Golden

Do you ever feel like you're stuck in one place
When you should be in another?
Not geographically, but a moment in time?
I yearn for those days
Those days when the light was golden
Where the nights were long
Where secrets were no more and the truth was evident
Where feeling obstructed right and right obstructed wrong.
His hand in mine and the feeling of safety
And security
And love.

I no longer find myself focusing on the shortness of it all
When the longevity at the time
Seemed to be going on for years and ages to come.
But what am I but a young woman with an open heart
And a thick skull, too stubborn to listen
But now wishing I had.
I beg my body to not go too fast, to slow in time,
like honey dripping off a honeycomb.

Quality over quantity, always, but when quantity is
No longer sufficient, quality becomes silent.
Though quantity is what my heart yearned for,
It is the quality that I forget.
The times of salty tears slithering down my cheek
My mama crying in secret for me because in front of me
Would be too much. Too much, too much!
Although the fields are still golden
In the rays of the summer evening sun,
And we share the same atmosphere
I cannot help but feel a stinging pain when I breathe you in.
Smoke in my lungs, finger on the trigger, dead.

You call me by name, and no not the name assigned to me at birth,
But the name that once resonated within my being
That name that once caused so much pleasure
Now makes me writhe in pain and I come back to you,
For a moment.
My eyes now green, become blue again, I have bangs
But only for a moment.
But I am just a young woman and you are just a young man
Trying to love, trying to live.

Though I am not she and she is not I,
I rejoice in the days that were.
We had such high hopes once, dreaming of a time
That shatters with glass, like glass.
Remembering the time of the setting of the golden sun
My heart is full while yours is faded.
For what is meant to be black, can never truly be golden.